Update – Lost Memories of Mama

When we laid Mama to rest in 1967, I walked away from her gravesite and never returned.  The grave was a reminder of suffering and dying; and I wanted to hold on to memories of Mama being healthy and alive.  The years passed and the memories of suffering and dying faded.

Last year, I decided it was time to return to Mama’s gravesite; and, I shared why in a post on October 21 2016, “Lost Memories of Mama.

On July 5, 2016, along with hubby, son and two cousins, I visited Mama’s grave for the first time since her burial more than forty-eight years ago.

I planned for a prayer and viewing of the purchased headstone.  What a surprise to learn that  my sister/cousin, Rev. Dr. Gwendolyn Eloby Fleming had written an Unveiling of the Headstone Program.  She was able to do this without my input.  We were the daughters of two sisters, raised together as sisters, and she knew my Mama’s life story.

After sharing Words of Commemoration and leading us in reciting the 23rd Psalm, my sister/cousin read the written Statement of Purpose:

“We now fondly dedicate this headstone to the loving and blessed memory of Onetha Outlaw Burks realizing that her remains lie not only in this plot of ground but in every heart her life did touch.

We are grateful for the years we were privileged to share with her — years when she brought us so many pleasures and taught us so very much by example.  Years in which she gave her best and established the foundation upon which her sisters, brothers, child, grandchildren, son-in-law, family and friends stand.

As an African people, we believe that three generations are always present — the past, present and future. Our ancestors never leave us. Onetha lives on even though her physical body is not in our midst.  We know that she will never leave our hearts and spirits where she continues to bless us and future generations forever.

Her spirit is with us today!”

For years, I carried a heavy burden without realizing the heaviness.  I have released the guilt of staying away from Mama’s gravesite for so many years.  I have recaptured the lost memories.  I mourn in peace rather than fear.  I will continue, for the remainder of my life, to honor Mama in death as I did during her lifetime.

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Cousin: Rev. Dr. Gwendolyn Eloby Fleming and husband, David Fleming.

Thanks to Hubby, children, grands, and cousins, for your love and support throughout this journey.

 

 

 

 

Lost Memories of Mama

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Never Forgotten

My mother would have celebrated her 91st birthday on Saturday, October 17th.  Sadly, she celebrated her last birthday on October 17, 1967.  Two months later, following a lengthy illness, she passed away at the young age of forty-four.  Even though its been almost forty-eight years since her death, my mourning continues.

Onetha Burks

Lost Memories

In 1967, I walked away from my mother’s burial site and never returned.   The years passed, memories faded and I forgot the:

  • exact date of her death,
  • church where her funeral was held, and
  • cemetery where she was buried.

My memories of these things were deeply buried and forgotten.  Approximately thirty years after my mother’s death, one returned when I attended my maternal aunt’s funeral.  Sitting next to my husband, I remarked, “This is my first time in the new church.”  He reminded me that my mother’s funeral had been held there.

Searching for Lost Memories

On Monday, October 19, I began the search to recapture the lost memories of Mama’s death.

First, I went to the county’s online genealogy records where you can get access to records, by last name, of people who died in the county more than twenty years ago.  While I couldn’t find mama’s name, my father’s death was listed as June 30, 1978.  In the next week or so, I plan to followup with the county and found out why her name is not showing up in their genealogy records.

Having hit a brick wall, I telephoned the church and told my story to the woman who answered the phone:

“My mama died in 1967 and I was so traumatized by her death that I blocked everything from my memory.  I am now looking for closure and trying to find out the date of her death and where she was buried.”

She said the church didn’t start keeping records until the 1970s.  However, this kind woman gave me the name of three cemeteries that likely would have handled a burial from the church during the 1960s.

I telephoned the first cemetery and repeated my story to the woman who answered the phone.  She listened and, in an understanding and caring voice, said, “give me a few minutes to check.”  Within five minutes she came back on the line saying:

“Your mother was buried on December 23, 1967.  She is buried in Section K, Lot #4 and Grave #10.

When I asked if a headstone was on the grave, she didn’t know.  But, offered to have a groundskeeper check and said she would get back to me before the end of the day.

Late afternoon, she called and reported that there was no headstone.  I asked if she could recommend where one could be purchased.  She said, “right here at the cemetery and I can email you the information.”

The Search is Over

To honor and remember my mother, in death, I plan to:

  • get a copy of my her death certificate;
  • make sure her name is properly listed on the county’s death records;
  • buy a headstone and have it placed on her grave by year’s end;
  • visit her grave in July 2016 when I am in the Chicago area;
  • order flowers for mama’s grave on her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas.
  • send letters, expressing gratitude and thankfulness, to the two women who were so understanding and helpful in this search.

For the remaining days of my life, I choose to share memories of mama, through my voice and written words, so that my children, grandchildren and future generations know from “whence they came.” (James Baldwin)

I lost memories of my mama’s death, but I cherished and retained the memories of our life together.

 

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